Today is eating me.
I appreciate all the Mother’s Day love today but I collected all my mothering “ingredients” from different sources..
Here’s the recipe:
So I’m really sad today about my ex-husband not calling our daughter on her birthday and it hurts in my chest. My chest is tight.
And I’m so compartmentalized and emotionally static, generally, that actual feelings always feel new.
There is a scene in Cloud Atlas where Sonmi-451 finds out the man who freed her is dead and she sheds a tear and rubs her chest, right where her heart is, with her fist as if to massage out the emotional pain’s physical manifestation from her body.
It makes sense b/c Sonmi is a clone and has never experienced emotional pain. It’s a subtle but brilliant move on the part of the actress…
Anyway, I feel like her today.
Tight chest, hard to breathe, general bad feeling all over body.
Emotional pain always takes me by surprise like it’s my first time in this body or it’s my first time on Earth or something…
which is fitting because when I was 23 months old I asked my mom if she was supposed to help me get back to my own planet…
Maybe baby Jessica knows something I don’t…
I may be shooting myself in the foot here and settling in to a life of crafting and collecting cats but…
I feel like I have trudged through the septic sludge of my issues with men.
I can safely say I am no longer in that weird, terrified, I-am-too-damaged-I-will-mess-it-up phase.
I feel healed, rational, sensible – no longer like the addict in recovery cautiously avoiding temptation at any cost for fear of relapse.
I’m ok now.
But being ok is not enough. I like growth. I like to push.
I’m addicted to the emotional violence of metamorphosis.
It’s kinda my “thing.”
So I said to myself:
Ok, Jess. You are comfortable being alone, no longer lonely and pitiful.
You dated a little and you learned what you don’t want.
So what the hell do you want?
THIS email is why I had to take all my dating profiles down. I think I’ll start sharing more of them: